"I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too."
Well, I used to be able to write moderately funny pieces. That's all. But in honor of that, and of the fact that I just re-read one of those moderately pieces, and also in honor of the fact that a new (posthumous) Mitch Hedberg album just came out, I've decided to repost a post from an old blog. And here it is:
| Local Rock-Paper-Scissors Champion Dethroned Mont Pelier, VT - Pine Tree elementary school was the site, Thursday, of the unseating of reigning 5th grade rock-paper-scissors champion George Roberts by upstart 4th grader Seth Johnson. In a rochambeau for the ages, Johnson and Roberts were pitted against each other in a best 2 out of 3 contest throughout most of recess before Johnson finally emerged victorious with a cunningly timed rock to beat Roberts' scissors. The duel began as many expected it would, with Roberts gaining the early advantage. After both competitors threw rock on the first turn, Roberts followed up with a paper to cover Johnson's second round rock. After the quick start, however, the challengers settled into what would become an epic series of doubles. "After that first quick loss, I knew I was in trouble," said Johnson after the match. "But I just took a deep breath and tried to let my training take over." Indeed both Johnson and Roberts seemed to enter trance-like states for most of the battle, their eyes barely open, bodies still and relaxed save for their pumping fists. Spectators later described the sight with superlatives that ranged from, "Awesome," to, "Awesomely awesome." Dana Sedgewick, a 5th grader and Roberts' alleged girlfriend, had a vantage point virtually right on top of the action and perhaps summed it up better than anyone. "I've never seen anything like it. It was more than rock-paper-scissors; it was high art - grace and glory fully realized." After Roberts' second throw victory, both competitors threw scissors, then rock, scissors, scissors, paper, scissors, paper, paper, rock and scissors as the contest entered a streak of 327 consecutive draws. The next score was set up when Johnson and Roberts both employed Bonetti's Defense simultaneously. Named after Charlie Bonetti, a 19th century rock-paper-scissors master, Bonetti's Defense is a complex pattern of 43 sequential throws that's been known to confuse even the most heralded rock-paper-scissors champions. That Roberts and Johnson were both able to employ it is evidence enough of their mastery. That they each decided to do so at the same time was incredible. But what happened next was sheer magic. Roberts and Johnson each appeared to notice the other's strategy 11 throws into the series, and, again simultaneously, both Roberts and Johnson diverted from the scripted 12th throw of paper and each threw scissors instead. This led to 31 playful draws consisting of precisely the opposite throws of those prescribed by Bonetti's defense that filled the previously tense rochambeau circle with laughter. Once the altered series was completed, the amazing run of ties was finally broken up some 10 throws later after draws of paper, paper and scissors when Johnson's further scissors cut Roberts' paper. After a short break in the action punctuated by the amazed gasps of the audience, the opponents played out a thrilling series, likely to never be repeated, of no less than 546 draws, the highlight of which was a mind-bending set of 22 straight rocks followed by 3 papers, 2 scissors and a further 12 rocks. The contest finally concluded on the 876th throw. Following draws of scissors, scissors, scissors, rock, paper, scissors and paper, Roberts' scissors was defeated by a rock which Johnson immediately thrust into the air as a proclamation of victory. The opponents then looked to each other and embraced in a show of sportsmanship rarely seen in this day and age. Afterwards, Roberts, whose win streak of 657 matches had come to an end, remarked that, "After a match like that, you're just proud to have been a part of it. Sure I'm disappointed with the loss, but that was one for the record books." When asked about the possibility of a rematch, Roberts replied thus: "There's plenty of time for a rematch. Right now I just want to spend some time with my family and regain my focus. I'll be back, I'm just going to need a little time." Johnson, for his part, was magnanimous, extolling the virtues of his competitor only moments after defeating him. "George is a great role model of mine. Just the chance to be able to compete with him was an honor. My only hope is that I can follow in his footsteps and bring the same pride to Pine Tree Elementary that George did as champion." The school was abuzz with the news of Johnson's victory for the rest of the afternoon, and students will likely be talking about the momentous contest at least until next month's tetherball tournament begins. |
| |
No comments:
Post a Comment